Crimson and Clover
by sashsweetie
Summary: Inara decided to stay on board Serenity, and more and more people are discovering that River is the reason why. But things are changing. Can the crew keep River and themselves safe from the Alliance?
1. Chapter 1

River could hear the crying in her mind as she lay silently in bed.

_Pain. Hurt. What had she done wrong this time?_

"Nothing" River whispered.

She turned her mind to the other members of the crew. Her brother and Kaylee, laughing quietly across the hallway. Jayne, dreaming of...Ugh. River shuddered. She didn't want to know that. Zoë, staring at the stars, missed Wash. She thought she would never stop missing him. A year and a half later and it was still a burning hole in her soul. A constant pain. Mal...

River sighed. Mal's thought process was thundering more than usual. The man just couldn't think quietly!

She drifted back to Inara's cool mind. She was still crying.

River climbed out of bed and floated barefoot down the halls of _Serenity_ and knocking lightly before opening the door of Inara's shuttle.

Inara looked up at her from the bed, tear-trails making red stains down her face. She tried to smile and failed.

River tutted. "Why does he always make you cry?" she questioned, coming to sit beside Inara on the bed.

"Because he can't forgive me" Fresh tears trickled from the Companion's closed eyes.

"It was a rhetorical question." River informed her as she reached up and gently wiped the tears away. Inara chuckled wetly.

"But it's true. He'll never forgive me for getting over him. The man can hold a grudge like no-one I've ever met!"

River nodded solemnly. "He surely can."

Inara climbed off the bed and went to wash her face. "Did you have a nightmare?" she questioned her younger friend.

River shook her head. "I was just going to bed when I heard you."

Inara turned, eyes sparkling "You're such a mother hen sometimes, River!"

"You don't want to be alone"

The smirk disappeared from Inara's face. It still bothered her sometimes how much River knew.

River looked away, abashed. "Sorry"

"It's okay." Inara sighed, coming back to the bed and squeezing her hand. "I don't mind, really. It just surprises me sometimes how blunt you are about it."

River shrugged. "You're my friend. I like to be honest with you."

Inara smiled. "I'm glad" She removed her robe and climbed beneath the sheets. "Are you going to stay, then?"

"Yes." River slipped comfortably into Inara's satin bed. She liked Inara's room. It was so much cosier than her own. Yawning, River curled into the fetal position and promptly fell asleep.

Inara woke to the sound of frantic knocking at her door.

Sleepily, she pulled on her robe and yanked the door open, fully prepared to be grumpy with whoever the perpetrator was. Simon stood on the other side, looking concerned.

"She's here" Inara informed him before he could start talking, stepping aside to reveal River fast asleep in her bed.

"A nightmare?" Simon questioned worriedly.

Inara yawned. "She came in late last night." She replied ambiguously.

Simon ran a hand nervously through his hair. "I'll...um...let you get back to sleep. Sorry for waking you. Thanks, Inara."

"No problem." Inara closed the door and slid back into the bed beside River. "Your brother worries too much." She informed the sleeping girl. River responded by wrapping her arms around Inara. The Companion closed her eyes, enjoying being held by someone who wasn't paying to do so.

When she woke again, it was to find River watching her sleep. "Good morning!" The younger Tam offered cheerfully.

"Morning" Inara agreed with somewhat less enthusiasm.

"You're feeling better" River commented, a lazy smile crossing her face.

Inara nodded, realising it was true.

River didn't want to move, but she knew she should be getting to the bridge. She sighed heavily and sat up. "I need to go."

"Mal can fly the ship on his own" Inara told her. "You and I are going to enjoy lying here and then have breakfast"

The grin that flew onto River's face was answer enough for her.

Mal wandered into the galley as River was starting on a plate of pancakes. "You were meant to be flying this boat two hours ago" he groused.

River looked up at him guiltily; her mouth full of pancakes, and Mal had to swallow the laugh that threatened his grouchy demeanour.

"Let her be" Inara joined her partner in crime at the big wooden table. Mal glowered.

"Shoulda known this would be your doing, always distracting her 'n Kaylee."

River could feel the fight that was brewing and threw out the first comment that came into her mind. "It was a bad night." She blurted. Mal turned to look at her.

"Dreams again?" he questioned.

River shrugged noncommittally and dove back into her pancakes. Mal looked at Inara.

"I didn't want to wake her" the Companion protested. This at least was true, if partially for her own benefit. She glanced briefly at River, whose eyes were dancing at her from behind Mal's back.

"Fine" Mal concluded, turning to River, "but I want you on the bridge as soon as you're done eating, understood?"

"Mmm hmm" River agreed, her mouth again filled with pancake.

"Good." Mal said nothing further to Inara as he turned and headed back to the bridge.

"You sure are one for lying, River Tam" Inara's eyes twinkled as she sipped her cup of tea.

River shrugged. "Only when it's important"

Inara chose not to explore the implications of that statement.

A while later, pancakes demolished and plates removed from the table, River headed for the door. At the last minute she turned to Inara, who was still seated. "May I come back again tonight?"

Inara smiled. "We wouldn't want you to have any more _nightmares_, would we?"

River shook her head lightly. "We wouldn't, no." She agreed.

She was still smiling when she got to the bridge.

" What're you so happy about, Little Albatross?"

She examined the captain. "Pleasing situations." She informed him cryptically.

Mal frowned. "What are you up to?" he questioned suspiciously.

River glanced at the panel in front of her. "The job. What's our ETA?" She smiled internally as Mal's thoughts drifted in a safer direction.

"About three hours."

"And Badger came through?"

"Course he did. Stop worrying – it's an easy job."

"I always worry when you're in charge."

"Hey, now! That's not nice!"

"You're overconfident." River stated bluntly. "You should let me come."

Mal chuckled. "Your brother would _love_ that" he replied sarcastically, but she could tell he was considering it.

"Jayne could stay here" she pointed out. "I'm a better shot than he is, not to mention a better judge of which situations _actually_ require the use of a gun."

Mal shook his head. "I need his strength on this one to deal with the loot. Nah, I think it's better if you stay here, mèimèi. We might need a quick getaway, and none of us can fly _Serenity_ better 'n you."

River sighed. She knew it was true, but could you blame a girl for wanting some excitement once in a while? "Fine" she agreed grumpily, slouching down in the chair.

It _was_ an easy job, lifting newly delivered cargo from a storage facility outside of a small town. And it went down easily, no problems. The place wasn't even guarded properly. They just used the information Badger had sent them on what to lift and the schedule of guard changes and everything went down without a hitch for once.

"See, River? Easy as pie" Mal declared, grinning, as River came down the stairs into the cargo bay.

River rolled her eyes. "Great, now he's even more cocky" she grumbled under her breath.

"At least you got paid" Inara pointed out.

"So I did" River agreed "How does it feel, Inara - Your friends being common criminals while you're a glamorous Companion?"

"I got used to that aspect of my life a long while ago." Inara smirked at her.

"You should join in the fun" Kaylee threw an arm around each of their shoulders. "Take up a life of crime"

"Yeah, you could give up your day job" Mal stuck in.

"I _like_ my job" Inara retorted. "Besides, you need me, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I _knew_ there was a reason we kept you around."

"_You_ let me stay because I pay rent and get you into places you couldn't otherwise go_. I_ stay for other reasons entirely" Inara informed him bitterly. "And don't flatter yourself that they have anything to do with _you_." She turned on her heel and stalked from the room.

"Way to ruin a happy moment, Captain" Kaylee sighed, starting to move cargo boxes in the direction of various hiding places. She was getting more than a bit tired of the Captain picking fights with Inara at every possible opportunity. It was creating an unpleasant atmosphere on her ship.

It wasn't until after dinner that River finally made her way to Inara's room with a selection of leftovers she thought the Companion would like.

Inara was meditating, so she set the food down and curled on the bed to wait for her to finish.

Inara turned, stretching, to greet River, only to find she'd fallen asleep waiting for her. Smiling, Inara reached for the bowl of water she had prepared and began unwrapping her upper half.

River opened her eyes as Inara moved, surprised to see her beginning to undress. Should she mention that she wasn't, in fact, asleep? Curiosity got the better of her. Inara was so beautiful, River enjoyed simply watching her. Silently she observed, fascinated, as Inara bathed. When the other woman was safely clothed again, she gestured to the tray she had brought with her. "You didn't come to dinner." She explained.

Inara removed the cloth from on top of her meal. All of her favourites were there. She smiled up at River from the floor. "You take such good care of me" River blushed and examined the ends of her hair. Inara watched her fiddling with it and questioned her. "Would you like me to do your hair when I'm finished eating?"

River smiled, tempted. "You don't mind?" She had watched Inara play with Kaylee's hair and always hoped the Companion would offer to do the same for her.

"Of course not!" Inara exclaimed. "I keep hoping you'll ask! You have such beautiful hair, and so much of it to work with."

"You can do whatever you like" River informed her happily.

River shivered as Inara settled her between her legs and pulled her hair back. The Companion smelled of spiced soap and incense. River relaxed comfortably as Inara began pulling a brush through her hair. "No falling asleep, now." Inara warned her.

"Mmm hmm" River agreed dreamily, and let her mind drift as Inara's concentrated fingers pulled her hair apart into sections and braided them back.

"There" Inara pushed the last pin into place and leaned back. River's hands quested upward to her scalp, gently feeling the braids that criss-crossed intricately about her head.

"Wow" she whispered.

Inara chuckled. "Come here" she pulled River off the bed and stood her in front of the mirror. River examined herself in wonder. Inara went to her rack of dresses and skimmed through them, removing a pale blue and silver one. She held it out to River. "Put this on."

"Really?" River's face lit up.

"I don't know why I didn't think of it before. It's too small for me."

River looked around eagerly. "Where should I..."Inara pointed to the cockpit. River emerged a few minutes later, holding the dress up over her chest. "I don't understand this garment"

Inara smirked. "A reader, a genius, but she can't put on a dress. Turn around." River obeyed, and Inara wrapped pieces of fabric delicately around her body before tying them at the nape of her neck. "There."

River turned back to the mirror. "It's not me" she said in surprise, touching her image. She couldn't recognise the person in the glass, wearing a clinging satin gown. She turned to Inara.

"You've been growing up, and none of us has noticed" Inara smiled and touched River's face gently. "You're gorgeous."

River wrapped her arms around Inara's waist, leaning her cheek against the older girl's shoulder. "Thank you" she whispered.

Inara held her carefully, not wanting to damage her hairstyle. "Everyone should know how beautiful they are, River." She leaned down and kissed River's head gently.

River pulled away. "River is too broken to be beautiful."

"No" Inara murmured, grabbing her wrist "River..."

"They broke River!" River insisted, turning towards her and clasping Inara's hands in her own. "They _broke_ her and she can't be fixed. She's too damaged. Don't you understand?" She stared into Inara's eyes. Inara was silent. She didn't know what to say. How could she explain to River what she saw in that mirror?

"_That_ isn't _River_!" River cried, pointing to the mirror angrily. "That's what she was _meant_ to be!" Her hands flew to the back of her neck and she untied the dress, pulling it off of herself until she stood naked, trembling. "They took me away and they left a shell. They cooked the meat, and they ate it all up; left me behind." She went to the bed and curled up on it miserably. Inara sat down on the end, leaving the dress where it lay in the middle of the floor.

"I wasn't trying to make you into something you're not." She whispered.

"But you _forget_. You forget the horrible things that are locked away in me. I'm crazy, Inara. I know you don't mind, but you can never, _ever_ forget. The girl in the mirror isn't River. River is dangerous. River is broken." She looked up at her friend with fierce eyes. Inara moved up the bed and wrapped her arms around her. "I don't even know what they've done to me" River whispered, clinging to her. Inara had no words to comfort her; none of them would have been true. But her mind whispered plenty, and for that River was grateful.

After a while Inara fell asleep, so River crept from her arms and hung up the dress before grabbing a sweater from the cockpit and pulling it on. When she returned, Inara's eyes were open and she was under the covers. "I'm sorry" River whispered "You were just being kind." She turned out the lights and slipped into the bed.

"But you're right. I do forget." Inara admitted. "You're so..._present_ these days. It's easy most of the time to forget what's happened to you, what's going on in your mind. But it doesn't change how I feel about you."

"I know" River murmured, cuddling back into the other woman's arms. "It doesn't change how I feel about you, either."

Inara realised that the conversation had reached a point where they should probably discuss it further, but River silenced her with a light finger on her lips. "We can talk tomorrow." She whispered in through the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

"River?" Inara questioned. River was wearing the silky dress Inara had given her, dancing around the room to music only she could hear. Inara was enjoying watching her, but River was here so that they could _talk_, after all. "_River!_"

"You worry too much, 'Nara" River informed her, twirling over and offering a hand. "Dance with me."

Inara pulled her down onto the bed. "We really should talk"

River pouted. "Fine. Talk."

Inara swallowed, a thousand questions entering her head at once. She sighed. "River, what are we even _doing_?"

The younger girl pondered this a moment. "We're living. Being. Caring." She shrugged. "Nothing's really happened yet that requires a definition."

"_Yet"_ Inara pointed out. "So you'd like something to happen between us."

"Well, yes." River frowned slightly. "Wouldn't you?"

Inara eyed her, amused "I'm pretty sure you already know the answer to that question."

"You're conflicted. You think I'll get jealous of your clients. You think I'm too young. So many logical arguments, yet none of them strong enough to stop you from wanting me." She grinned.

"_River_!" Inara exclaimed. "Could you not make it sound so..._base_? It's not about the sex."

River shook her head, eyes twinkling. "I know, but it's definitely something I'd like to _try_ with you."

"Anyway" Inara continued, glaring. "If we were to make this...official...you wouldn't get jealous of my having clients?"

"No" River replied bluntly. "It's your job." She grinned. "Besides, I can read your mind, remember? I _know_ how you feel about me. Why would I need to be jealous?"

"Fine" Inara agreed. "And what about your brother? The rest of the crew? How do you think they'd feel about this?"

River grimaced. "For the most part, they'd be happy. Mal won't be. And it'll take my brother a while to get used to it." She pondered a moment. "To be honest, I'd suggest we'd keep it to ourselves for a bit."

Inara nodded. "I agree." She stood, moving to pour them each a glass of wine. "And you are young, River – in years at least. I want to make sure I'm not taking advantage of you."

River smiled. "Old souls are rare. We are meant to seek comfort in each other's company." She accepted a glass of wine. "I have much to learn from you, Inara. But my lack of expertise in the arena of love does not make me innocent to the realities it contains. I am aware. I come forewarned. You need not worry about the discrepancy between us."

Inara sat back down beside her and raised her glass. "Then cheers, River. To whatever it is that we are. May the path we walk together be a happy one."

River clicked the edge of her glass against Inara's "May we be happy" she stated simply, sipping the wine delicately.

"Do I have to?" River questioned as she sat down to dinner.

Simon sighed. "I thought we'd gone over this, mèimèi." He'd had this discussion with River a million times.

"I'll eat when I'm _hungry_" River's brain felt fuzzy. She hadn't had _that_ much wine. Not like the time she and Simon had stolen a bottle of brandy at someone's party and the world had started spinning and she'd thrown up all over the roses. She just felt...displaced.

Inara, knowing River was a bit tipsy, passed her a roll. "Perhaps we can put something aside for later." She suggested. River, who was picking at the bread, decorating the table with crumbs, nodded.

"As long as you _eat_" Simon sighed again. River stuck her tongue out at him and Kaylee chuckled.

"I wish I'd had a brother to fight with" she commented longingly.

"You have me to fight with" Simon pointed out, tickling her side.

"It is fun to fight with Simon" River agreed merrily, beginning to organise her crumbs into lines.

"I was the only child on the ship I grew up on" Zoë put in. "I have to say it was lonesome at times"

River turned to examine Inara. "And you?" she questioned.

"I left my family very young to move to the capital. I don't have many memories of them" Inara explained. "The family I remember is the girls I trained with on Sihnon, though many of them disliked me because I surpassed them in skill." she smiled at River. "You remember Nandi. I cared for her very much."

Zoë quirked an eyebrow at the Companion. It was the first time she'd heard Inara speak of her past in any sort of detail. Inara caught her eye and looked away. _What is she hiding?_ Zoë wondered.

The wine made River sleepy, and she leaned against Inara's arm. "Why don't you go to bed, River?" Simon asked her, forgetting all about her avoidance of dinner. He wanted to talk to Inara alone – he knew River hadn't been sleeping alone.

River nodded. "Alright" She got up and left the table, heading for Inara's shuttle.

"Inara?" Inara turned around at the sound of Simon's voice.

"Yes, Simon?"

"I wanted to talk to you about River."

Inara leant against the side of the hallway. "I thought you might."

"I know she hasn't been sleeping in her room"

Inara didn't speak, waiting to see where this conversation was going.

"She seems very attached to you" Simon rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "And I know I haven't exactly been available to her. Kaylee said last night she feels like she's pushed you two away." He paused nervously. "I just wanted to make sure it's not too much trouble. The amount of your time she's taking up. I mean, you don't seem to mind, but it's very generous of you."

Relief flooded Inara's mind and she smiled. Simon's own innocence kept him blind. "Oh, Simon. I don't mind at all."

The tension left Simon's shoulders and he smiled too. "I'm glad. I was just worried..."

Inara squeezed the top of his arm gently. "Bié dān xīn. Don't worry."

"Are the nightmares bad?" Simon grasped for information.

Inara shook her head. "She will talk to you when and if she wants to, Simon. It isn't my place."

He nodded. "Of course. Sorry."

Inara turned to go. "Good night"

"Good night. And thank you."

River was already asleep when she entered the room. Inara lit some incense and changed into her bed-clothes, thinking to meditate a while on all that had happened. River stirred as she moved about the room.

" 'Nara?"

"Hey mèimèi" Inara came to sit on the bed, putting a hand on River's hair.

"Coming to bed?"

Inara shook her head. "I'll be up a while"

"Okay" River closed her eyes again and Inara stroked her hair gently until her breathing evened.

"Zùo gè měi mèng" Inara whispered, climbing from the bed. (Sweet Dreams)


	3. Chapter 3

"You aren't going to break me, you know" River teased, kissing Inara gently. "Remember how I saved you all from those Reavers?"

Inara grimaced. "I'd really rather forget."

"Understandable, it was a bit disgusting" River agreed. "But you're missing my point."

"That I'm not going to break you?" Inara questioned teasingly.

"Precisely" River kissed her so sweetly Inara's head swam.

"You learn _way_ too quickly" the Companion groaned, delicately removing her hands from under River's dress as she came back to herself.

River grinned. "Isn't it fun?" she questioned impishly.

"Yes" Inara agreed. "That's the problem."

River sighed and rolled off of her. "You worry too much."

"I care about you"

River reached over and tucked a piece of hair back in place. "I know you do. But I want this."

"I want this to go _right_" Inara informed her "I don't want to screw it up. You aren't one of my clients. We aren't operating on a schedule."

"I'm _ready_, Inara"

"Well, I'm not!" Inara got off the bed and started pacing around. "Aren't you listening to me?"

River slid her arms around Inara's waist. "In more ways than one." She turned the Companion around. "You aren't taking advantage of me" she smiled. "Look, 'Nara. I'm sorry for pushing you. I've just wanted this for a long time."

"Me too" Inara murmured, kissing her forehead. "So can't we wait just a little longer? Please?"

"'Course" River rested her head against Inara's chest and listened to her heart beating. Hadn't they waited long enough? She knew Inara was afraid the relationship wouldn't work out, but still. "I should get back to the bridge" She pulled away. "Mal's getting grumpy."

"And I should screen some clients now that we're actually heading into civilised space" Inara smiled and stroked River's cheek. "I'll see you later, bǎobèi."

River grinned evilly before pulling Inara into another head-swimming kiss. "See you at dinner" she threw over her shoulder as she fairly skipped out of the room. Inara couldn't help but laugh.

She was flipping through vids of potential clients when she heard a knock as her door was pushed open. Inara turned, smiling. "River, I thought..." she trailed off as Zoë made her way through the door. "Zoë! What a pleasant surprise." Inara stood and made her way over, taking Zoë's hands in her own. "May I offer you some tea?"

"That'd be nice, yes" the First Mate agreed as Inara ushered her towards a seat.

"And to what do I owe this visit?" the Companion questioned as she moved around preparing tea. She knew that Zoë didn't make purely social calls.

"I think you know why I'm here, Inara."

Inara forced herself to chuckle lightly. "I'm afraid I don't"

"How's about we drop the niceties?" Zoë's voice grew accusatory as she spoke. "Something's going on between you and River."

Inara smiled sweetly. "I'm very fond of River" she agreed. "She's been spending a lot of her time here lately."

"The way you two look at each other? Don't you lie to me: I know love when I see it" Zoë shook her head. Inara poured boiling water into the teapot, choosing to say nothing. "Have you even thought about how the Cap'n'll take this?"

The Companion laughed darkly. "Of course you would come here because of him."

Zoë glared. "I came here because I care about this _crew_ - you and River included. I'm just saying it'd be better if you told him straight out is all, instead of letting him find out other ways. You've taken enough of his pride."

"_Excuse _me?" Inara demanded, eyes flashing. "We agreed when I decided to stay on _Serenity_ that we would leave all that behind us. _I_ _did_. If anyone's damaged Mal's pride, it's him. He just can't let go of what's past." Her voice softened slightly. "But he's my friend. It is not my intention to hurt him. If you think its best that I talk to him about what's going on, then I'll discuss it with River."

Zoë stood. "I'd appreciate that. This crew's broken enough." She turned to leave.

"Won't you stay for tea?" Inara questioned, gesturing to the tea tray in front of her.

"If it's all the same to you, no. Thank you."

"All right" Inara agreed. "Well, thank you for discussing your concerns with me. I appreciate your candid approach."

Zoë nodded, walking away. At the last minute she stopped. "And Inara?" The Companion looked up from the tea she was pouring for herself. "I _am_ glad to see you and River together. We all deserve some happiness in this life." She turned and left the room before Inara had a chance to reply.

River slipped into the seat beside Inara in the empty galley. "You're angry" she whispered softly, her hand sneaking into Inara's under the table. Inara nodded. River smiled a crooked smile. "Don't be. Your anger will only hurt you." Inara snorted. _That_ was for sure. She'd wasted an entire afternoon when she should have been screening clients thinking of ways to tell Mal about her and River without him hating her forever, throwing her off the ship, or both. "Can I help?" River asked curiously. She often wondered what type of people wanted to sleep with her Inara.

That sparked a smile. "Screen clients?" River nodded. Inara examined her lightly as she stood to start dinner. It was her turn to cook. "It really doesn't bother you, does it?" she asked incredulously, looking through the cans on the counter. "That I'm a _lowly whore_"

River shook her head, gathering plates. "I find the concept intriguing. Getting all gussied up like you do just to take it all off again so you can have sex with someone you don't even know." She looked up at Inara, grinning cheekily. "What are you going to make?"

"What do you want?" Inara held up two cans. "Tofu or chicken?"

"Tofu" River decided, placing dishes at various intervals around the wooden table.

Inara drained two cans of fluid and started exploring the drawers for spices. "It isn't just about making love, River. At least, not to the Companion involved. It's about connecting with another human being on an intimate level, even if just for a few hours."

"Hmm" River pondered this as she set dishes on the table. She supposed it made sense. After all, Inara seemed to make quite a bit of money off of her sexual encounters. More than anyone should pay for sex, anyway.

"Do you mind if I tell him?" Inara questioned her out of the blue. River looked up from the table.

"Who? Mal?" Inara nodded. "No. So long as it's made clear I'd prefer he doesn't tell Simon."

The Companion sighed. "He'll probably tell him just to spite me."

"What exactly did Zoë say?" River asked curiously. "I know what she thinks, but..."

"That this crew is broken enough. That I've taken enough of Mal's pride" Inara seethed. "As if it was _my fault _he can't let go of what's past."

"Hush now" River came to her, taking the spices from her hands and setting them on the counter.

"It just makes me livid" Inara murmured, burying her face in River's neck.

"I know" River whispered, stroking the older woman's hair. "It's alright. We'll tell Mal. He'll see its better in the end."

"Will he?"

River sighed. She didn't really know. Mal was still very much in love with her Inara. Perhaps the logic of how much easier this would make things wouldn't prevail with him.

"Watcha making?" Kaylee's voice questioned from where she leant against the door. They sprang apart and River held up the can of tofu.

"Tofu and..." she searched around for the other can, reading it quickly "green beans" she finished.

"Why don't you measure the rice, River?" Inara suggested evenly as she picked up a clove of garlic and a knife.

River nodded, moving to do so. Kaylee sauntered into the kitchen, all smiles. "Can I help?" she offered.

"Why don't you tell me about your day?" Inara suggested, crushing the clove of garlic with the flat of her knife.

"Well, apparently we get a vacation while you're visiting clients" Kaylee informed her, pulling herself onto the countertop. "Just a few hours, I know, but nonetheless." She gazed into space. "Free time in the core" she murmured hazily. "What should I do?"

"The spas on Ariel are very well known" Inara slit open a hot pepper and cut out the seeds. "There is a Japanese onsen I'm particularly fond of just outside the capital"

Kaylee looked wistful. "I wish I could afford somewhere like that" she looked over at River. "What are you going to do?"

River laughed. "What? You think Simon would let me planet-side unattended?"

"We could ditch your dear brother" Kaylee suggested cheerfully. "I could attend you. We could explore the market."

"That would be nice" River agreed.

A plan formed itself in Inara's mind as she dumped tofu into the frying garlic.

"I have a surprise for you"

River took the envelope from Inara's gloved hands. "What is it?"

"Look and find out."

River pulled the slip of paper out and read the top. "You're sending me to the _spa_?" she asked, her face betraying a mixture of confusion and fear.

"You and Kaylee. A proper girls day out." Inara caught sight of River's face and chuckled. "It's only hot water, River. Don't look so panicked."

A small "oh" of understanding escaped River before she shook her head, looking into Inara's face. "I can't, 'Nara. It's too expensive a gift."

Inara kissed her lightly. "Trust me, River. I have more than enough money to send you and Kaylee for a day at a Japanese onsen. We don't get many luxuries on board this ship, so you two enjoy this, all right?"

River bit her lip and nodded. "Have you told Kaylee?"

"Kaylee is getting herself cleaned up appropriately as we speak." Inara smiled. "You should have seen her face! Such wide eyes I haven't seen on our beloved mechanic in a long time."

River grinned. "We'll try and behave ourselves, promise."

"Yeah, right." Inara rolled her eyes. "Well, I must go. I'll see you this evening."

"Have fun" River teased.

Inara started to leave the room. "Don't you get into trouble!" she called over her shoulder.

River laughed and followed her out of the room, going to find Kaylee.

"Promise me we can eat before we leave" Kaylee pulled off her robe unceremoniously and slid into the warm water with a moan of pleasure.

"I promise" River conceded, draping her robe over a chaise longue before joining Kaylee in the water.

"I can't believe Inara did this for us" Kaylee commented lazily, dunking her head under.

"We don't get holidays very often" River pointed out. "I guess she just wanted us to get to do something fun with our time here."

"Well, this certainly qualifies" Kaylee grinned, moving to sit under a stream of steaming water that was falling into the rock pool. "I've never seen anything like this"

River frowned, thinking. "I used to swim, but not in pools like this."

"I wish I could swim. No-one learned where I come from"

"Simon hates it." A corner of River's mouth crooked up. "He says he doesn't understand why someone would spend time in cold water for fun"

Kaylee chucked. "Well, cold water maybe not, but this is divine" She ducked her head under the water again and moved back towards River. River could see she was trying to be stealthy and let her think she was getting away with it, only moving out of the way when Kaylee tried to push her head under the water.

Kaylee pouted. "'S no fair if you use your powers against me"

"Oh?" River grinned evilly, diving towards her older friend and tickling her sides mercilessly. Kaylee shrieked and River pulled away, noticing the looks they were getting from other patrons.

"No fair" Kaylee giggled.

River yawned. "Think we'll have time to go shopping after?" She wanted to buy something for Inara to say thank you.

Kaylee shrugged. "I don't care, really. I can't even remember the last time I got to spend as long as I wanted soaking in hot water." She looked over at River. "Why? Was there something you particularly wanted?"

River decided she might as well be truthful. It wouldn't seem odd to be buying something for Inara after her surprise for them. "A gift for Inara"

Kaylee nodded. "That's a good idea. Maybe we can go in on something." River didn't respond. Perhaps she should have stayed quiet. Kaylee looked confused. Had she said something wrong? "Or...did you want to buy her something just from you?" She said slowly, watching the other girl.

River shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "It's fine."

Realisation lit up Kaylee's face. "You like Inara!" she charged the younger girl, clapping her hands in delight.

Panic fluttered across River's face "I just...She's so kind to me...I feel...I should get her a gift on my own" she stammered. Kaylee shook her head, a grin still wide across her face.

"You and our glamorous Companion, who woulda guessed" She examined River with interest. "Well, she certainly has a soft spot for ya, so who knows?" Kaylee chuckled. River slowly turned pink as the blonde hit closer and closer to the mark. "You certainly stay with her..." Kaylee trailed off, her smile disappearing as understanding sunk in. ".God." She looked at River in shock. "But...You..."

"Please don't tell Simon" River blurted desperately, grabbing her friends hand in her own. "Please?"

"You `n Inara?" Kaylee wondered out loud, processing the information. "Well, I don't suppose it's much different than me and Simon..." she eyed River " 'cept that she's a fair bit older than you of course"

"Not _so_ much" River argued, sighing in frustration. She wasn't _that_ young, for goodness sakes!

A smile made its way onto Kaylee's face as the shock wore off. "You little minx, River!"

River relaxed a little. "You won't tell Simon?"

Kaylee shook her head, and then laughed. "He'd flip! His genius little sister sleeping with another woman. And a Companion at that!"

River joined her in her laughter. Kaylee's amusement was infectious.

They played in the pools for a while, being cautioned more than once by pool attendants that they were being disruptive but not really caring.

Later, River wandered inside with Kaylee so the mechanic could sample from the wide choice of tasty morsels available at the buffet.

"Seriously, River. You have to try this one!" Kaylee presented her with chopsticks holding some kind of confection. River opened her mouth obediently. It was good, but she didn't understand Kaylee's obsession with food at all.

Back in Inara's shuttle, River settled the white stargazer lilies she had found into a vase and removed the bright yellow stamens from the ones that had bloomed already. She knew they wouldn't last long in space, but they also felt like the right gift, and so she had bought them anyways. Her instincts usually guided her truly.

She smiled as she recalled Kaylee's reaction earlier. If only her brother would take things like that, it wouldn't be a problem to tell him. She glanced at the clock Inara kept on the bedside table. 1400 hours. Inara wouldn't be back for a while yet. River padded to her own room to find her sketchbook. She would sit in the sun and draw.

"Hey bǎobèi" Inara came up the ramp and sat beside River, leaning her head on the younger girl's shoulder. River stopped drawing and snaked her arm behind the Companion's back.

"How was it?" she questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Tiring" Inara yawned.

"Now here's touching little scene" Mal announced his presence sarcastically.

"What do you want?" Inara didn't move from her position.

"Nothing, nothing" Mal looked over River's shoulder at the sketch of the freighter she was drawing. "I didn't know you were artsy" he stated conversationally.

"Rendering reality onto paper isn't art" River informed him, examining the image. "There's no imagination involved. It's a structurally and proportionally accurate translation of a three dimensional image onto a two dimensional plane."

Mal grunted. "Alrighty then. Inara, you were meant to tell me when you were back on board."

"I was on my way" Inara murmured into River's shoulder.

"Whatever. Let's get this bird in the air. River? I need you on the bridge." River sighed and stood up, taking her sketchbook with her. "Inara, you stay here. I need to speak with you."

Inara's gaze slid to River. River was frowning. She didn't like what Mal was thinking. It was sweet he was being all protective, but had everyone on _Serenity_ forgotten that she could care for herself? She sighed and continued her way to the bridge.

"What's this about, Mal?" Inara asked quietly, moving to stand up.

Mal ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I think its sweet you've taken such a shine to River and all, sending her and Kaylee off to that pool thing."

"Onsen" Inara interjected.

"Whatever" Mal stated firmly. "The point is I don't want you giving her any ideas."

Inara frowned "Ideas"

Mal looked uncomfortable. "She's an innocent girl, Inara. Letting her sleep with you? Touching her like that?" he gestured in the direction they'd just been sitting. "It don't seem right is all. I don't want her getting the wrong idea."

"Huh" Inara took a deep breath and moved in closer. "For starters, Malcolm Reynolds, who the hell do you think you are?" Inara glared up at him. "Second of all, River is not an innocent girl. She has been through more than any of us. And third, did you ever consider that I might be doing those things with River _because she wants me to_?" She turned and started stalking away from him into the interior of the ship.

Mal stood stunned on the walkway for a moment. "Wait. _What_?" he called belatedly.

Inara paused at the bottom of the stairs and sighed. "I'm sorry" she admitted. "That wasn't how I meant to tell you. I got angry."

Mal moved towards her. "Tell me what?" he questioned slowly.

Inara looked at him sadly "I'm with River, Mal." She gestured helplessly, afraid of his reaction.

"_You're sleeping with her_?" Mal demanded. She nodded. "_She's_...how old are you? Inara opened her mouth to answer. "Never mind" Mal turned away and then whipped around again. "She's about half your age, Inara!" He proclaimed, looking scandalised.

"No, she's only...How _old_ do you think I am?" she questioned suspiciously, crossing her arms.

"That's not the point." Mal informed her.

"Alright..." Inara turned and started up the stairs. "Oh!" she paused, and Mal looked up to find a slightly awkward look on the Companion's face. "Um...Could you not tell Simon, please?" she requested quickly, turning back and hurrying up the stairs again.

Mal shook his head in disbelief "Sure. Why not. I can _not_ tell Simon you're bonking his little sister. Jesus." He muttered, going to close the doors.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: At the special request of CatDaddy, I continued this one. Hope you like the update! :)_

* * *

River screamed in pain.

It was like the other times, just like before. She didn't know how, but she was shoved _out_. Well, not out, so much, she reasoned, but...Jailed. Contained. Held captive in her own mind. Able only to watch, an observer of herself and...the Other. Or Others. She wasn't sure. It was disconcerting, not knowing who else was in your mind. She couldn't hear them, and didn't know if they could hear her. Not like the tracking men. They always let her know when they were here. They enjoyed the fear they inspired.

River bit her lip. At least it was better now. She could think. At the beginning, the only awareness she had was pain. It had taken her a year even to remember that she was River when she was thrust aside, like this. To be able to remember the sessions, in her nightmares, later. She never knew what was real any more. What would they have her do this time?

The answer came swiftly. Her body cut someone's throat and stepped aside quickly as he collapsed.

"Stage one complete." Her voice echoed around her though she hadn't spoken. She heard steps and felt her blade encounter neck muscles as she swung. More blood. "There's more than one guard. Our information is incomplete. Do I proceed?"

Something twitched in River's mind. She remembered this mission. She'd assassinated a high-level official. She was dreaming! She could wake up! She heard something shift behind her and suddenly she was in control of herself again, the memory shattered. She spun in the corridor to see them. Two of them. She screamed, unable to help herself, and started running. There was no point in fighting, she knew.

* * *

Inara heard the first scream and leapt up from the table, Simon right beside her as she ran, headlong, for River's quarters, compelled by the screams that followed to run faster.

They found her tangled in the blankets, writhing in an attempt to escape. River's fingernails dug deep into her palms, and Inara could see blood beginning to well there. "River" she called, trying to keep her voice steady. "River, wake up."

Simon stroked his sister's sweaty forehead gently. "This is a bad one." He whispered, intending for only Inara to hear. He turned to the concerned group at the door. "It's just a nightmare. She'll wake up soon. Just...go finish dinner." He turned back, not noticing that none of them moved so much as an inch.

River moaned, tears streaming down her face, but didn't wake.

Inara snuck a look at Simon, not encouraged by the grim look on his face. "She usually wakes up once she starts screaming." He murmured. "Has it been like this before?"

The Companion shook her head. "No. Never." River shrieked again, pure fear evident in her tone, and Inara clenched her eyes shut, calling out with her mind instead of her voice, hoping, somehow, that her thoughts would be easier for the sleeping girl to hear.

* * *

"River!" River paused in her blind escape as the voice echoed around her. She remembered that voice. "River, please come back." Inara. The memory of her time on _Serenity _descended on her in a thundering crash. "Darling, please wake up." Inara sounded like she was crying. River stood still, torn between wanting to run and hoping that if she stopped, she could escape.

"River's here." She murmured. "I'm here." She corrected.

* * *

She woke up on the bed to Simon checking her vitals while trying, futilely, to comfort Inara. Everything hurt.

"They're coming." She whispered. "They're coming for me."

"Shhh, it was a nightmare." Simon told her quietly. He had never understood.

"No, they're coming for me!" she insisted, pushing herself upright.

"Who's coming?" Mal asked from the door. River thanked him silently for believing what she was. Her brain burned, and everything seemed too bright.

"The men in blue." She murmured. "We need to go. We need to go, _now_."

"Ok." Mal turned and headed for the bridge.

River put a hand to her reeling head and Simon forced her back down.

Inara kissed one of her bloody hands, her tears burning as they hit the half-moons River's nails had made. "I heard you." River whispered to her.

"Thank God." Inara smiled.

"Thank _you_." River smiled back before darkness descended over her.

* * *

" 'Nara?"

"Nǐ xià sǐ wǒ le!" (You scared me) Inara kissed her gently. River looked around, realising they were back in the shuttle.

"Sorry." River whispered. "I heard you calling and I remembered. How'd you do it?"

"I thought to you." Her thoughts demanded an explanation, though her lips said nothing.

"They were hunting me." River reached up to touch Inara's face, noticing the light gauze wrapped around her hands.

"The men in blue?" Inara asked. River nodded, shuddering. Inara lay down and pulled River to her. "We're heading for the border planets. Mal listened to you."

River nodded. "I know. I thought it had stopped." She murmured. "After Miranda." The little voice inside her told her she was wrong. She knew all along they would come for her again. There were other things inside her mind besides her knowledge of Miranda that the Alliance wanted. She sighed. "They never stop." She turned to face Inara, fear in her eyes. "They'll take me back again."

"We'll stay one step ahead. We always have." The Companion told her softly, stroking her hair.

"Almost always." River corrected. "Too many close calls." She swallowed. "And they're hunting me again. I couldn't remember..."

"What couldn't you remember?"

"I got pushed out." River rubbed her eyes, tired. "An old mission. Most people can't remember. I learned how to get past the pain, to remember I was River. To remember my sessions in my nightmares. But they break in, the men in blue. They come for me. They came tonight and there was nothing but fear until you called. Then I remembered."

"P-pushed out?" Inara stuttered. River had never talked to her about anything like this before.

"It's not just me in here." River smiled ironically. "Most subjects don't know that. You just wake up in pain and wonder what they did to you while you were sleeping."

"Oh, God." Inara's emotions swept over River like a wave. She closed her eyes. Compassion, love, fear, acceptance. No pity. That pleased her.

"I think that's all I'll tell you tonight." River said sagely, then yawned. "I have to sleep." She kissed the Companion gently. "Call me if anything goes wrong. In either place."

"I'll be right here with you." Inara promised. "Lie down and rest now."

River complied without argument, enjoying the sensation as Inara stroked her hair.

Eventually, she drifted back to sleep.

* * *

She woke to find Inara asleep with the lights still on. Evidently she'd tried to stay awake as long as possible but eventually succumbed to her tiredness. River wondered how long she'd been out. She crept quietly out of the Companion's arms, pausing to examine her. She loved Inara's innate tranquility and balance. It was what drew her to the Companion initially. The sense of order and trust that the world operated as it should. Smiling, she turned and left the shuttle, heading for the bridge.

Only Mal was there. "Hey, Mal."

He turned. "You're up." River went and sat in the other seat. "You gave us quite a scare, you know."

"Scared me, too. But I'm alright, now." She answered. "Where are we off to?"

"Not sure yet." Mal admitted. "I just wanted to get away as soon as possible."

"Thank you." River reached out and squeezed his hand.

"I know you see true." Mal said gruffly. She removed her hand, knowing her show of affection had made him awkward.

"We wouldn't have made it, if Inara hadn't woken me." River commented.

"Well, she did." Mal informed her. "It's past. Now we need a job. To keep moving."

"Keep moving, keep them out of my head." River sighed. "I'll talk to Simon..."

"He doesn't understand."

Mal's harsh tone surprised River. "No" She agreed. "He doesn't believe it's possible, what they've done to me, despite what he saw with his own eyes in that facility. But he's an amazing doctor. Knows his meds. Could be if I explain..."

"He won't know, River. Your brain was already different when you went into that place. That's why they took you. How's Simon going to know how to stop them getting into your head?"

River wished she didn't know he was right. She sighed again. "Well, I should go talk to him anyway. He's afraid."

"Come back when you're done. I'd like your input on options. I'll get Zoë up here too."

"Alright." River made her way down to Simon's quarters. He was deep in thought about some neurological text, and Kaylee was nowhere in sight. "Simon?"

His head popped up, relief evident on his face. "Mèi mèi. How are you?"

"Better." She sat down beside him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "It was like when we first got here. When they were trying to get me to come back. I couldn't wake up."

"They're just dreams." Simon said quietly.

River raised her head to look him in the eye. "You know they're not. Why else are you so afraid?"

"You were doing so well. Inara has been so good for you. I thought you were getting better. I thought you were healing." He sighed. "You've seemed so much more like I remember."

"I'm never going back to who I was, Simon." River said quietly. "You've seen my brain. Being on _Serenity_, getting to stay River...But they've fundamentally altered who I am. You can't fix it. They'll always want me back. But if you can accept that, keep learning about my brain, you could maybe help keep me away from them." She could hear him thinking. Torn between the idea that she was lost in a nightmare generated by paranoid schizophrenia, and the fact that he knew the government was after her. She smiled a little. "It isn't paranoid schizophrenia. I need to get back to the bridge." She left Simon looking lost and confused on the bed.

* * *

"Hey, Kaylee." River said as she entered Inara's shuttle to find her and Kaylee drinking tea. Inara's hair was still mussed from sleep, making River smile.

"Hey, River." Kaylee was afraid, and Inara was frowning, so River could guess that they'd been discussing her. She sighed. Kaylee didn't do very well when River didn't act like a normal girl.

"Guess I scared you." River commented, eyeing Kaylee from under a curtain of hair.

The older girl nodded, but River knew that it wasn't the nightmares that scared her, but the fact that they were true. Kaylee was such a good soul, that what had been done to River was too much for her to cope with. So she preferred it when everything seemed normal. And right now it wasn't.

"Sorry" River murmured, then more loudly "Well, Mal needs me up on the bridge. I just heard you and thought I'd say hi." Inara looked like she wanted to follow her, but River shook her head. "I'll be back later."

Inara's eyes crinklied happily. "Good."

Kaylee didn't say anything, but looked into her tea. River sighed. She knew Kaylee would get over it, and things would go back to normal between them, but she hated it when her friend was scared of her. With that weighing heavy on her heart, she headed back up to the bridge, where Mal and Zoë were deep in discussion over possible destinations.

"What's the verdict?" She questioned. Zoë put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed.

"We have a few options, and no guarantees."

"Isn't that always the way?" River asked.

Zoë's eyes twinkled. "It is."

"Well what're our options, then?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Mal sat her down, and she let his and Zoë's thoughts mingle with the information he was sharing with her.

* * *

"We're going to Paquin." River informed Inara as she sat down on the bed. "Doubt you'll find clients there."

Inara turned from the computer screen and smiled. "Clients don't matter right now. You do."

River smiled shyly. "Thanks for saying it." She sighed. "Kaylee's afraid of me again." She tried not to sound too whiny. It was understandable, after all.

"I think she's more afraid _for_ you than afraid _of_ you, this time around." Inara joined her on the bed. "Everything's been so normal lately."

"I guess it reminds her of before Miranda."

"I wouldn't know." Inara took her hand. "Could you tell me more? About what they did to you?"

"I only know bits and pieces of what they did." River pointed out. She was torn between wanting to trust Inara, and being afraid she might scare the Companion away. She couldn't lose Inara. She started chewing her lip, studying their hands.

Inara tilted her chin up. "It's not going to make me scared of you, if that's what you're worrying about."

"It should." River informed her harshly. "It makes me scared of me."

Inara sighed. "I only meant that it's already part of who you are, and I love that person. I won't leave."

"I want to keep you safe." River informed her. "Why do you think I don't tell Simon?"

Inara raised her eyebrows. "Because he wouldn't believe you if you did. I will."

River shook her head. "Right now, if they came for me, they'd just kill you to take me and Simon. If they think you know anything, they'll take you, too. Torture you. I don't know what else. I hope they'll figure out Simon doesn't know much pretty fast."

"I don't care." Inara whispered.

River opened herself to Inara's thoughts and saw that it was true. "Just promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"If they come, and you have time, use that needle you keep for the Reavers."

Inara nodded. "Alright. I promise."

River took a deep breath. "When I first started at the Academy, it was like a dream come true. Me, and others with an extremely high IQ. I think mine was highest. I know I had the top test scores. We were allowed to study whatever we wanted. State of the art equipment. Access to the top minds of every field. They had a dance studio I could use whenever I wanted. They brought in a ballet instructor just for me, to make sure I came."

She frowned. "I don't know when they started the tests. I just know that as time went by, things changed. At first, it was just anxiety. We all felt it. People started missing class, having panic attacks. We talked about it, they told us it was being on a space station, that they would treat it. Then one boy, I don't remember his name, he just disappeared. My counsellor said he transferred out of the program. Found it too stressful. But I saw later that he died during a procedure."

Inara took her hand silently, knowing not to interrupt, and River was grateful.

"That's about when they started the treatments. They said they were for the anxiety. But time started going missing, and I started to know things I couldn't possibly know. Couldn't remember learning. And there was pain. Things didn't make sense. Cara died in her sleep, I heard her room-mate screaming and saw her before they took her away. All the blood. Her brain hemorrhaged. I didn't have a room-mate. My parents wanted the best for me."

She laughed a little hysterically at that concept, realised tears were streaming down her face and brushed them away.

"I think at first they were just working on me. Developing my natural intuition into telepathy, teaching me to shoot, to move, combat skills. Making me a perfect vessel. But the fear created by stripping my amygdala made me unstable, incoherent. You've heard of multiple personality disorder."

Inara nodded. "People often experience missing time, strange changes they don't remember making."

"Right. They created it in me. In all of us, I think. I didn't often see the others after the first few months. But I heard them, sometimes. Some missions I carried out, as River. Ones with more sensitive information involved, or where we had to blend in, seem normal, or if I was trying to resist...They did it when you were sleeping. It took me over a year to remember anything. Even just to be aware. I don't remember telling them but I think they know. We aren't meant to remember those missions, but I do. I think. It's so hard to tell what's real from back then."

Inara had no words, so she just wrapped River in her arms and the girl sunk into her, crying.

* * *

"We should go to dinner soon." Inara murmured a few hours later. They were lying on her bed, heads together. River would randomly start crying silently, but refused to talk about it. Inara let it alone.

"Don't want to." River whispered.

"Me neither, but they'll come looking." Inara pointed out. "Better we go."

"Simon will know something's wrong, try to give me injections."

"He'll come down and give them to you if you don't go to dinner." Inara stroked River's hair. "I could go, tell him you're sleeping."

"No, don't leave me!" The anguish in River's voice scared Inara.

"Shhh, mèi mei." She whispered. "I won't leave you alone, I promise. But I do think it's better if we go to dinner."

River sighed. "Okay." She agreed. Positive company could help, she supposed.

"Why don't you wash your face and I'll brush your hair." Inara suggested. Simon would try and haul River off to the infirmary the instant he saw her like this.

That thought got a smile out of the younger girl. "Are you taking care of me?" she questioned.

"Of course, just like you take care of me when I need it." Inara said, surprised. She frowned. "Besides, after how hard it was to wake you up last time, I don't like the idea of you being knocked out."

River shuddered. "Me neither." She agreed.


End file.
